Heeding the Signs

In late 2006 I began having premonitions that something bad was about to happen. The last time I had felt something similar was about six months before the 9/11 attacks. My husband and I were living in New York City. We were on vacation in Spain in summer 2001 and both writing in journals during the trip. I have an entry about my increasing apprehension about the coming fall. I wrote: Something is going to happen. I don't know what but it's going to be big and I'm scared. This escalated into a full-blown, paralyzing depression. The day before 9/11, I had an appointment with a new therapist where I tried to explain my increasing agitation and depression.

And so when that sense of dread began to take hold of me again, I was sure that we were in for another terrorist attack. We were still living in New York City but were about to move to the West Coast for my husband's job. By Christmas 2006 I was in a tizzy. There were two things that were taking shape in my mind: that the attack would be some kind of a nuclear one and that it would happen on or around September. I was so sure about the upcoming danger that I bought several packs of potassium iodide, the so-called "anti-radiation pill" over the internet and printed out guides on what to do in case of a nuclear event. As the summer drew nearer, I became more and more agitated and convinced of upcoming danger. Many months later, right before I had my mastectomy in September, I realized that I had been sensing that something was drastically wrong all along, but I had assumed incorrectly it would be another terrorist attack. Later when I was going through radiation, I ran across the anti-radiation pills in one of our moving boxes and had to shake my head at the irony.

If I had to describe myself during the several years before I was diagnosed, I would probably use the words "exhausted" and "depressed" frequently. I thought it was fascinating when I ran across this paragraph in Anatomy of the Spirit recently: "Increasing and continual exhaustion that takes the edge off mental and emotional clarity is an energy symptom that indicates something is wrong in the body. Most people do not consider it a symptom because it is not actually painful ... Depression is another symptom that all is not well. Within the clinical world, depression is generally considered an emotional and mental disorder. but prolonged depression often precedes the development of a physical illness. In energy terms. depression literally is a release of energy--or life-force, if you will--without consciousness ... Without energy you cannot support your health."